The Observer

I like to refer to myself as an observer, and I can be quiet and just look and listen to my surroundings and take note of the actions of others as I do this. It’s quite interesting to sit and people-watch, and I have learned a lot about people in just watching, but in today’s world we are usually locked to our devices and we don’t interact as much.

When I was travelling I was always meeting people and people were opening up to me on their life stories. A stranger in the street would approach me, and I was very open to meeting strangers. These strangers seemed to trust me on a level unbeknown to them. I knew on a soul level we’d arranged this meeting. You may question this, but life is like that: we meet people for specific reasons. They seemed to know I could provide an answer to their questions or their dilemma and I usually did.

This is why I went into life coaching many years later after I returned to Australia; because I’d had so much practice overseas helping strangers through listening and hearing what they were saying, and allowing the questions to come to me so I could transfer the questions to them, so they could get their answers for them to heal themselves.

Poem:

“I am the observer, observing life around me, fated meetings, and sacred words mere coincidences – or was it ordained?”

Inner Child

Discover your inner child. Trauma and grief can sway us away from the important things in life and interfere with our happiness. When we are bogged down with grief, guilt and shame, we are in a self-defeatist mode. This can cause us to dig ourselves into a hole in the ground.

I know because I’ve been there and let life and its circumstances dictate how I feel.  Daily pressures can mount up and get in the way of our happiness. So I had to just make a decision: do I continue, or do I do something about it?  I decided no more flitting in and out of dilemmas which I had been for the past six months. Life had been catching up with me; now that I’m writing and publishing, I’ve put myself in some strenuous situations, and I seemed to be making a mountain out of mole hill. I had to stop this behaviour, and it is a behaviour, and one I know I am capable of playing in. So what is the root cause of this behaviour?

You know what happens when we stop: the old memories come flooding in and we are forced to reflect to heal. I was creating a dilemma to get through a deep unknown secret in me. I didn’t believe in me. Wow, really? I do believe in me. But the truth be known, I didn’t, and to disguise this inner fraction, I put myself in a dilemma of frazzling myself and others, to blame others for my shortcomings. Aha! This is the issue.

I questioned it, and in questioning it, I had some pretty angry moments, and I cursed and cried and in the silence all was quietly revealed. I got the answers I needed. Aha! So this is what it’s all about. And in the knowing I accepted what was causing me to act that way. In the recognition there came acceptance, and in the acceptance it dissipated.

You see, I got a taste of my own medicine as a life coach. This is how I help my clients to move through something irritating or blocking them or causing them anger.  I had to investigate my own inner child through reflection; to help myself recognise what was the issue and accept the outcome, which was fear to move forward.  

Was not believing in myself my way of self-sabotaging myself?  It took a bit of work to get a breakthrough.

I was life coaching myself. And so now I and my inner child are in a happier place, and things are pretty good and running smoothly. A reprieve until the next inner monster raises its ugly head to send my inner child into another episode of fear. But we can handle what life throws at us; it’s all in the reflection of the past, to move through to the now.

Poem:

‘Inner child of mine you surprise me constantly
With your little whims of yester years
I in the now am content to explore the now and the future.
But you tag along looking over your shoulder
To not let the boogie man get you.
Oh little one how sorry I am
That I can’t cleanse or wash away your fears forever.
Alas we must work in unison
To bring forth the monsters in the chasm of your mind
For a better life for us both
To escape the wheel of incarnation and
Endless returns to this plane of existence.
So little one bring forth to me your fears and
Let me help you to find solace through my understanding
And let’s abolish all the monsters of your days.”

Books

Many people say as they read my book, your life is similar to my life. A lot you experienced, I’ve experienced. We all live a life with many experiences. And those experiences can be similar but not the same. This is what unites people through a book. Even through a particular group our similarities in experiences, visions, perspectives etc. My experiences can give you some aha moments. And will bring in some of your own memories as you read my book.

Books are written to excite, intrigue, shape, and inspire and bring in awareness of how other people have lived. You may even find we are not too far removed from each other’s lives. Books can help the reader to understand their own life, to put another’s person’s perspective on an incident and how they coped or handled it can help a reader. The most important message is you’re not alone; other people experience similar issues.

Reading of other people’s life events can be helpful. It’s understanding human nature through other people life experiences. Books educate us on life and help us to remember something you may need to remember, or inspire you to do something you always wanted to do for your own self. Maybe you wanted to write a book, maybe you wanted to travel and live overseas. Maybe you wanted to start a business. Maybe you wanted to learn a new language, or maybe you wanted to learn about new cultures, books offer all those interesting ways of living. Books help us to understand the mind of a criminal. Help us to learn a crafts, or language. Read a book and live in someone else’s shoes for a few days or a month, and then sit back and say, hmm, that book helped me… Read about families, read about trauma and circumstances and how people have not let those traumas and circumstances define them. If you were traumatized as a child, you could find the courage to speak up on your own trauma and pain.  And a book may help you to rise above your issue.

I had two choices; to suffer and be the victim, or see beauty in my world and rise above it. We all have choices in this world. And it’s up to us. Books can help us to understand life. Many of the experiences that you’ve experienced, other people have experienced too. And there’s something in that; when we feel oh, that person went through what I went through. Because we are a group society, other people’s experiences can be your experiences. It is kind of like a feeling of, oh, these things happen to others. I’m not alone. And others did experience what I experienced and they move through it and forward. You may even realise oh! I’ve never looked at it that way. Maybe I can look at it through their point of view. And maybe I can learn and maybe I can move forward in my own dilemmas? By reading about other people’s experiences, we can change and grow as a person. So get a book, and read a book. Books hold great knowledge, solutions, ideas and new ways of thinking and doing. Books are wonderful.

Perceptions of a Country Child

How we perceive our world.

I recently had the pleasure of spending time with a family member, and we discussed our perceptions of our families, how we’d both saw what was not true of each of our families; and that was due to what our eyes saw.
I always saw this family as affluent and they in turn had seen our family as affluent. However, neither of our families was affluent. We were not poor, but we were not rich. We’d had the advantage of living on our farm rent free.

As a child I had seen the big city riches when I visited this family. These riches were far from a country town’s riches.
What was I assessing the affluence of in the big city? Family members in the big city had advantages. Yes, I saw that a person living in the big city had good fortune to participate in activities of their desire. And due to that, that made them in my eyes as affluent and being fortunate. In my family, we had no such luxuries; because we were so far from town, and to go into town to attend weekly activities was near impossible.

It’s funny how the mind of a child works, and analyses a situation to fit in with their situation.
I had to create an understanding of the lack in me. Not being able to fulfil some of my dreams as a child; to do ballet. So to justify it, I had to understand my parent’s reasons for why this was not possible: Dad was a shift worker, and Mum was a non-driver of a car.

So we were forever lacking in the cultural sides of life, and this family member was so fortunate to live in the big city and to go to the stage shows that a country person like me, had no clue existed in the 1950’s to 1960’s. A country life in those years was a sheltered life and you were far removed from the arts.

I was not a country girl to go ride a horse or to want to attend the cows; I feel I was a city girl caught up in a country life foreign to me.

Life is ordained and our path is set from baby till we can make a choice to change it. I had karma with my dad who was on a farm, and that karma had to override my love of the arts buried deep within me, a distant memory from another lifetime. You may scoff at me and say there is no such thing as other lifetimes, and I may refute that and say, there is.

Well, let’s hope I get it right this lifetime to make better choices in my next incarnation. Funny how we all have these perceptions as children, and as we grow older we still hold onto them, until we get to a point in our life where we are forced to relook at our perceptions from childhood because those perceptions aren’t serving us in our immediate adult life.

This brings me to the point that I could be cruelling my own manifestation and ability to move forward and think rich, by having these inappropriate childhood beliefs. Because really, they’re only a belief from childhood; so I am looking at people and perceiving them as affluent, but I must be unconsciously perceiving myself as less than them, as I see them above me.
It’s funny how our mindset can change our destiny. So if I see myself as lesser than, I’ll always be lesser than. This belief has to go. And I’m so, so glad I met my family member and we discussed this topic.

Trauma

The first book is on me as a baby until my teens, and for some reason I can’t explain it to you.
You see the trauma had caused me to lose my memory of it, and the trauma was locked shut in me.
Do you carry trauma?
Are you unable to express your trauma?
I faced trauma as a child. I have written a book about that experience, and the consequences of that experience will be a series of books. You see the trauma doesn’t go away; it can be hidden in you, and you may not even know it’s happened to you. Many people have no memory of their childhood or teens. And that doesn’t imply you had abuse or trauma. However, it’s due to some form of hurt we can’t look at, and we’ve decided to forget it.
People ask me about my book: what it’s all about. I actually sometimes close down and I can’t answer that question. Because a traumatised person can lose memory on the event, and this is what happens to me; sometimes a part of me will shut down. But I’m getting better. My first book is on the traumatic event I went through. You will question me – hang on; you just said you can’t answer the question? Yes I did say that.
I will now explain myself.
For years I blocked or I denied and/or I put that issue aside. And I didn’t want to look at it. And I wrote the book while I was forced into re-living the experiences I’d experienced, to open me up to the issue, and this is how the book was written. We are often put into a position or a place to open the wound to address it. I did that in Turkey where I wrote the books; I was opened up by re-living my life to remember it.
Nonetheless, it still took me quite a while to talk about the book and its content. Now after extensive healings I have dropped the fear. And this is all it is: fear. We become fearful of opening up a wounded side of our self. However, it’s part of the journey of life to resolve our self.
Trauma closes you down. The memories of the trauma can be way too painful to address, and so we close down or blame others. Yes, you were traumatised, and it’s your choice to blame others. Nonetheless, it’s your responsibility to help yourself and to heal yourself, for your peace of mind.
For years you could ask me questions about my life, my travels and about the experiences I’ve had since my twenties. Yes I’d gladly tell you all about those and my childhood, teens and young adulthood: I can tell you the good things. Also I can tell you that I remember right back to my birth. That’s in my book. I had a mission to remember to tell this story to help others.
However, the more I uncovered the hidden issues in me, the more I got to understand and resolve myself, and answer my question: why was I as I am.
I had to re-live my life to bring the memories back in, to understand what had happened to me. In playing out with other people not related to me I could replay the story and learn from it. I am not saying to live in the past, but to own it and let it go. You see, we lose parts of ourselves in trauma and there are parts of us that fragment.
And there are parts of us that freeze. I had a frozen three year old in me; who was still frozen at the initial abuse. And she was holding up my whole life, and I couldn’t move forward because of her. Gradually I contacted her and she trusted me and she is part of my life now.
There are other issues too that cause issues in us: generational stuff. And now I’m uncovering aspects in me that aren’t even mine, and in recognising where those negative traits, patterns, beliefs, habits and behaviours come from, I can resolve those parts of myself that are holding me back.
When we uncover the issues and see the patterns in our lives, we can truly heal.
To actually see it resolve, through expressing to yourself, it can feel empowering and gradually you can get in touch with who you really are.
You see, a traumatised person will continue to work in the same patterns and put them self on repeat. I don’t do that today. I had put myself on repeat to understand my life and to remember it.
And I’ve built a coaching business around helping people with childhood issues.
Of course I coach people on what I needed to deal with, and I coach on that which I am the most experienced in. The one who can help others to get through their abuse, trauma or blockages, is the one who’s already experienced it firsthand.
I had some missing information however, I have just cracked the case open for myself and now I am on my way to helping others. You see we can only help others when we have helped ourselves. Usually your clients will be just a step behind you and I needed to get to that step before I could help others.
Our memories can fragment in abusive, traumatic or hurtful childhood experiences. Why – because we can either freeze, take flight, or fight. As a child, we probably freeze and are frightened. We are little and can’t fight or run away. We are at the mercy of the abuser. My three year old self had frozen in that time frame.
And it was still in that time frame, parts of me fragmented off and stayed frozen in that time it happened in.
To me, as a child and as an adult, I didn’t see my abuser as wrong. He was good and I felt he loved me, and he told me I was his princess and he loved me. Nonetheless, he confused me, because when he was with me and my sister, it caused me to doubt his love, because he was showing her more love and ignoring me.
These are the games the perpetrator will play to hide the fact of what is really going on between that child and him/herself.
In the family gatherings, I wasn’t played with or given the love they got. So why was my abuser lovely to me in secret, and not in the company of family? I am 67 years old and I just found out. He couldn’t show me affection in company, because if I had told anyone what he was doing to me he had a reason to discredit me, because he was in public showing my sister more affection and I’d be a troublemaker. He was protecting himself and he could say that I was making it up. And even my cousin recently said, I didn’t see it that your father loved you that much; because he was putting all his attention on your sister. He had to safe guard himself to protect himself, because he knew he could go to prison for what he was doing to me.
It takes a lot of healing, self-investigation and understanding of the games been played in your trauma to unravel it.
I found a lot of help by having Reiki sessions, reverse speech and other healing modalities to get to crux of my issues.
I will say during my teens I had to make a choice to stay in the trauma or move forward, and I did that and in my marriage it came up. However, I just told myself I’m not ready yet to deal with this. Raising a family was more important to me. So I didn’t dwell on the abuse that happened and I had no control over it as a child. My secret would remain a secret. Then I started to look at it. I was ready to uncover this secret.
The abuser knows his trade, so to say, and the abuser is conniving and will trick the child into getting his needs met, and the child can be so affected that it grows up learning the tricks of the trade and do the same to others. However, we all have a choice to go down a certain pathway or not. I chose not to do that. I had abused one of my younger cousins, and I did it where I was caught when others were with me. In a way I am so glad I did that, because I was so humiliated I made the decision at thirteen never to ever touch anyone ever again. So my pattern as an abuser was stopped. I was meant to do that I feel to cure myself of what was inflicted on me. Only you, and you alone can make your choices. You can always change your life’s course.