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The first book is on me as a baby until my teens, and for some reason I can’t explain it to you.
You see the trauma had caused me to lose my memory of it, and the trauma was locked shut in me.
Do you carry trauma?
Are you unable to express your trauma?
I faced trauma as a child. I have written a book about that experience, and the consequences of that experience will be a series of books. You see the trauma doesn’t go away; it can be hidden in you, and you may not even know it’s happened to you. Many people have no memory of their childhood or teens. And that doesn’t imply you had abuse or trauma. However, it’s due to some form of hurt we can’t look at, and we’ve decided to forget it.
People ask me about my book: what it’s all about. I actually sometimes close down and I can’t answer that question. Because a traumatised person can lose memory on the event, and this is what happens to me; sometimes a part of me will shut down. But I’m getting better. My first book is on the traumatic event I went through. You will question me – hang on; you just said you can’t answer the question? Yes I did say that.
I will now explain myself.
For years I blocked or I denied and/or I put that issue aside. And I didn’t want to look at it. And I wrote the book while I was forced into re-living the experiences I’d experienced, to open me up to the issue, and this is how the book was written. We are often put into a position or a place to open the wound to address it. I did that in Turkey where I wrote the books; I was opened up by re-living my life to remember it.
Nonetheless, it still took me quite a while to talk about the book and its content. Now after extensive healings I have dropped the fear. And this is all it is: fear. We become fearful of opening up a wounded side of our self. However, it’s part of the journey of life to resolve our self.
Trauma closes you down. The memories of the trauma can be way too painful to address, and so we close down or blame others. Yes, you were traumatised, and it’s your choice to blame others. Nonetheless, it’s your responsibility to help yourself and to heal yourself, for your peace of mind.
For years you could ask me questions about my life, my travels and about the experiences I’ve had since my twenties. Yes I’d gladly tell you all about those and my childhood, teens and young adulthood: I can tell you the good things. Also I can tell you that I remember right back to my birth. That’s in my book. I had a mission to remember to tell this story to help others.
However, the more I uncovered the hidden issues in me, the more I got to understand and resolve myself, and answer my question: why was I as I am.
I had to re-live my life to bring the memories back in, to understand what had happened to me. In playing out with other people not related to me I could replay the story and learn from it. I am not saying to live in the past, but to own it and let it go. You see, we lose parts of ourselves in trauma and there are parts of us that fragment.
And there are parts of us that freeze. I had a frozen three year old in me; who was still frozen at the initial abuse. And she was holding up my whole life, and I couldn’t move forward because of her. Gradually I contacted her and she trusted me and she is part of my life now.
There are other issues too that cause issues in us: generational stuff. And now I’m uncovering aspects in me that aren’t even mine, and in recognising where those negative traits, patterns, beliefs, habits and behaviours come from, I can resolve those parts of myself that are holding me back.
When we uncover the issues and see the patterns in our lives, we can truly heal.
To actually see it resolve, through expressing to yourself, it can feel empowering and gradually you can get in touch with who you really are.
You see, a traumatised person will continue to work in the same patterns and put them self on repeat. I don’t do that today. I had put myself on repeat to understand my life and to remember it.
And I’ve built a coaching business around helping people with childhood issues.
Of course I coach people on what I needed to deal with, and I coach on that which I am the most experienced in. The one who can help others to get through their abuse, trauma or blockages, is the one who’s already experienced it firsthand.
I had some missing information however, I have just cracked the case open for myself and now I am on my way to helping others. You see we can only help others when we have helped ourselves. Usually your clients will be just a step behind you and I needed to get to that step before I could help others.
Our memories can fragment in abusive, traumatic or hurtful childhood experiences. Why – because we can either freeze, take flight, or fight. As a child, we probably freeze and are frightened. We are little and can’t fight or run away. We are at the mercy of the abuser. My three year old self had frozen in that time frame.
And it was still in that time frame, parts of me fragmented off and stayed frozen in that time it happened in.
To me, as a child and as an adult, I didn’t see my abuser as wrong. He was good and I felt he loved me, and he told me I was his princess and he loved me. Nonetheless, he confused me, because when he was with me and my sister, it caused me to doubt his love, because he was showing her more love and ignoring me.
These are the games the perpetrator will play to hide the fact of what is really going on between that child and him/herself.
In the family gatherings, I wasn’t played with or given the love they got. So why was my abuser lovely to me in secret, and not in the company of family? I am 67 years old and I just found out. He couldn’t show me affection in company, because if I had told anyone what he was doing to me he had a reason to discredit me, because he was in public showing my sister more affection and I’d be a troublemaker. He was protecting himself and he could say that I was making it up. And even my cousin recently said, I didn’t see it that your father loved you that much; because he was putting all his attention on your sister. He had to safe guard himself to protect himself, because he knew he could go to prison for what he was doing to me.
It takes a lot of healing, self-investigation and understanding of the games been played in your trauma to unravel it.
I found a lot of help by having Reiki sessions, reverse speech and other healing modalities to get to crux of my issues.
I will say during my teens I had to make a choice to stay in the trauma or move forward, and I did that and in my marriage it came up. However, I just told myself I’m not ready yet to deal with this. Raising a family was more important to me. So I didn’t dwell on the abuse that happened and I had no control over it as a child. My secret would remain a secret. Then I started to look at it. I was ready to uncover this secret.
The abuser knows his trade, so to say, and the abuser is conniving and will trick the child into getting his needs met, and the child can be so affected that it grows up learning the tricks of the trade and do the same to others. However, we all have a choice to go down a certain pathway or not. I chose not to do that. I had abused one of my younger cousins, and I did it where I was caught when others were with me. In a way I am so glad I did that, because I was so humiliated I made the decision at thirteen never to ever touch anyone ever again. So my pattern as an abuser was stopped. I was meant to do that I feel to cure myself of what was inflicted on me. Only you, and you alone can make your choices. You can always change your life’s course.